The Worst Olympic Ads

During the Olympics, the same ad may be shown dozens of times over the  weeks of the Games. Knowing this, it would seem to be a good idea for the agencies to shelve the "hit a home run" mentality and go for some subtlety and intelligence. But that is a forlorn hope. Unfortunately it seems the advertisers, having been bled dry first by Olympic sponsorship fees, and then having to max out their credit to buy ad time, apparently had nothing left to put into making the ad.

These are world class companies who do not have to worry about their competitors, having excluded them with sponsorship arrangements with the Olympic Committee. They have our attention for more than two weeks. Yet the viewer is clumsily bludgeoned with repeated insertions of the same rancid ad. This not only fails to sell, but is quite capable of driving the viewer all the way to the competing product.

Now witness the very best some great companies and agencies can come up with, in front of an audience of 70 million.

CHEVY TRUCKS Every car ad these days features drivers engaged in illegal street racing "professional drivers on closed courses." These ads conform to that trend. Doing burnouts, wasting $2/gal. gas, in these times of global oil shortages, these ads seem to tell us that driving Chevrolets is all about fronting other drivers, obnoxiousness, and selfishness. And before someone claims I should not be getting worked up because people aren't influenced by what they see on TV, then they will first have to explain why General Motors spent $2.4 billion (yes, billion. With a "B") last year doing just that. That money could have done a lot more good than being wasted trying to convince people to buy one brand of truck over another, especially since truck owners are almost 100% loyal to their brand and would never consider a switch.

0.5 4.5 6.0 6.5 7.75 6.0 7.5 5.0 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

  

CHEVROLET CORVETTE For once, a car ad with no adults street racing! However, our hopes are shattered as this ad features school kids street racing. Seeing a kid behind the wheel is alarming unless it is made very clear that it is a dream or fantasy but this ad does not emphasize that. It ends up a bit disturbing and not selling Corvettes.

2.0 0.5 4.5 7.5 8.0 4.5 5.0 4.7 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

  

MAZDA Zoom Zoom to the tune of a cell phone ringing. If you happen to have the same phone as the ones used in the ad -- and Motorola phones are not exactly rare -- hearing this ad results in extreme annoyance. I missed the ad's message the first 20 or so times this played because I was too busy looking for the phone. It is obvious the producers of this spot thought it was some kind of masterwork because it exudes confidence and the visuals aren't that bad. But the sound kills any sales possibility, as it does for any ad which comes out of the "irritainment" school of marketing.

4.0 0.0 4.5 5.5 7.0 3.0 -2.5 4.0 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

 

MC DONALD'S At least, this company had some money remaining to make a whole bunch of different tv spots. Unfortunately, the ads range from mediocre to asinine. The only reason this company is not further down this list is that one of the spots managed to win a category (see list). Starting each and every spot with their ear-searing five-note jingle, the ideas range from the usual failed attempts to connect worldclass athletes to their artery-clogging food, to clowns performing Olympic sports. And if I hear schitzophrenics in empty rooms screaming "STEP AWAY FROM THE CHICKEN" again in my lifetime it will be far, far too soon (see A Beautiful Mind for more insight on this type of mental illness). I would suggest the people in these ads go on a "diet of the mind" as well as a diet of the body.

2.0 1.0 1.5 4.5 4.0 7.5 7.0 3.75 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

  

HUMMER Kaleidoscope  Ads which require smoking dope to understand will never sell the product. This one is especially far off the mark as Hummer drivers are unlikely to include dope smoking hippie types (who do constitute a valid market).

5.0 0.0 -- -- 6.0 7.5 6.0 3.55 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

  

CHILI'S Inspiration Another company feebly grasping at a most tenuous connection to the Games. But this time it makes absolutely no sense. I mean, let's be honest here, how many Olympic athletes -- particularly 80-lb gymnasts, are powered by babyback ribs slathered in barbecue sauce. This disconnect is never made up, no matter how good the photography or Dominique Dawes' routine.

1.0 1.0 7.0 -- 5.5 5.0 6.5 3.4 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

   

HOME DEPOT Ad showing Olympians and the menial jobs they perform at Home Depot. Not annoying, just a little bit sad. The sad thing is the Olympics are here and billions of dollars are being passed from giant corporation to giant corporation, and we have to be reminded that the stars of the show are forced to work slave labor to maintain their eligibility. (The alternative is worse - I frequent a Home Depot only 3 miles from an Olympic Training Center and have never seen an Olympian working there).

0.0 0.0 5.5 -- 5.0 4.5 4.0 2.2 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

 

EVERY LAST PRESCRIPTION DRUG AD I guess Olympians really are different. They set all these records while totally drug free, while the rest of us mortals are told that we cannot leave the house, eat, or have sex without the assistance of expensive pills. I mean, how were we even born before Pfizer invented its little blue pill? There is nothing good, healthy, inspiring or entertaining in a single one of these spots. Chemical dependency is chemical dependency, whether the drug comes from GlaxoSmithKline or your Colombian dope dealer.

0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

  

NBC AFFILIATE KNSD-TV 7/39 SAN DIEGO The San Diego NBC affiliate actually tried to elevate their local broadcast journalists to Olympic heights, though none as far as I know were accredited to Athens. This one redefines self-aggrandizement, and the troubling thing is, they actually believe it, even as they come up with this far from convincing spot. The strobelike editing was designed to hypnotize, but only ends up triggering epilepsy in people subject to seizures

-5.0 -2.0 0.5 4.0 1.0 3.5 3.0 -0.9 PREMISE SCRIPT ACTING SUPPORTING-CAST PHOTOGRAPHY MUSIC SOUND UPSHOT

PREMISE - Likeliness of ad situation. SCRIPT - Storyline, with plus points possible for humor ACTING - Lead actor performance SUPPORTING-CAST - Overall performance of supporting actors PHOTOGRAPHY - Aesthetics and execution of visuals MUSIC - Quality of composition, and/or appropriateness of background music, with bonus points possible for original compositions and/or quality orchestrations, ex. Acura TL's reworking of Grieg. SOUND - Category with standard deductions, for instance, points off for using cell-phone ringing as a cheap way to get viewer attention UPSHOT - Number of viewers, out of 10, who will respond positively. A number below 5.0 means the ad backfired i.e.has a negative effect. An upshot score less than zero means people who did not even see the ad will react negatively to it, as they hear about it through word-of-mouth, ex. Quizno's Subs being sold by vermin.